


Don't mess with Pidge's coffee

by PainkillerD



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Coffee, F/M, Prank Wars
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-01
Updated: 2017-09-10
Packaged: 2018-11-07 14:41:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 9,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11061114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PainkillerD/pseuds/PainkillerD
Summary: If there's anything the paladins have learned about Pidge, it's that she really loves her coffee. That doesn't stop her boyfriend from trying to prank her using her most sacred drink. Also posted on fanfiction.net





	1. Why so salty?

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first fanfic I've written in years and the first creative work I've done in a long while, so I'm probably gonna be quite rusty. This is based on a prompt I read a while ago, but just now I bothered to write it. Please review. Hope you enjoy it!

"Dude," said a nervous Hunk, looking at a grinning Lance. "Are you sure this is a good idea?"

The blue paladin chuckled. "Relax, Hunk, this is gonna be hilarious!"

Hunk had all the right to be scared. Pidge _really_ loved her coffee, and any and all attempts to sabotage her enjoyment would be met with a punishment that could be considered a war crime in any Earth country. In fact, the yellow paladin was once reduced to tears for accidentally burning her coffee one morning. That memory still kept him up at night. Which is why he had a hard time believing that Lance would be crazy enough to replace all the sugar in the container with salt. Leave it to Lance to risk his life, or worse, his relationship with Pidge, by playing such a cruel prank.

As soon as Lance finished closing the "sugar" lid, they heard footsteps coming from the hallway. The two paladins quickly ran to the other side of the kitchen and hid behind a wall, slowly peeking their heads to watch the disaster that was about to unfold. As if she was being called out, Katie Holt, aka Pidge Gunderson, appeared in the kitchen in her casual jacket and short, baggy pants. She had been attracted by the smell of the bitter nectar all the way from her room. She casually approached the coffee machine, which had a sticky note on it that read:

_To my Pidgeon:  
I'll be in the training room with Hunk. Since I know you'll get up late, I took the liberty of making the coffee for you. I made sure it's perfect. Nothing but the best for you. See ya later!_

__

__

_Love, Lance_

Pidge scoffed at both the over-the-top affection in the letter and the stupid nickname Lance gave her. She'd make sure to properly thank him later. After feeling the pot and confirming that it's still warm, Pidge took a mug from a cabinet and poured the black liquid in. After looking around she found the sugar container and proceeded to pour in a generous amount. She once told Lance in private that the amount of sugar is what made her "sweet" to everyone, which prompted a laugh from her boyfriend.

"What is she doing?" Hunk asked with a whisper.

"She's really doing it, the absolute madwoman!" Lance nearly exploded in snickers.

Pidge heard a suspicious sound in the kitchen. After quickly looking around and seeing nothing, she attributed the noise to her still-sleepy mind making things up. She stirred the coffee for a couple of seconds and brought the mug to her mouth. She sipped. What followed was the unfortunate, yet unsurprising, realization that Lance is an asshole who deserved whatever plight was brought to him. Pidge nearly spit out the liquid still in her mouth, but then decided otherwise and swallowed; the poor coffee had no fault. _Lance is here_ , she thought. _Oh, he is not getting the satisfaction of seeing me lose my cool!_ Pidge braced herself and drank the entire mug of coffee in one swig, silently cringing at the foul taste.

"Oh, crap!" Lance whispered in surprise.

Hunk was even more afraid. "Either she figured it out and she's braving it, or she has no taste buds. And I don't know which is worse!"

The two watched in amazement as Pidge placed the mug in the sink and quickly leaned over the note Lance left her. After what seemed like a few ticks of her doing something to the paper, she headed straight out of the room, looking pissed. As soon as the doors closed, Lance and Hunk ran out to the kitchen counter.

"Did you see her face?!" Hunk exclaimed. "Oh, she is gonna murder us!"

"Don't worry, Hunk. Everything's gonna be okay."

Everything was _not_ going to be okay. Lance picked up the note and turned it over from where he had written. What was on that note made his blood chill and his face turn white:

_My dearest Lance:  
I've been putting up with your crap ever since the Garrison. And for so long I've let it all slide. Botching the test flights, interrupting my space scans, touching my equipment, and so much more, I can take. But you have crossed a fine line here, mister! You have messed with my coffee! And so, help me whatever deity out there, I will make you pay for this! You will suffer! Get ready for this, because this means WAR!_

__

__

_Your currently_ not _"sweet" girlfriend, Pidge_

Yep, he was screwed.


	2. Make up your mind

The rest of the day was pretty uneventful. Soon after the fiasco that was the salted coffee prank, the blue and yellow Paladins met up with the other three for basic training. Pidge didn’t seem at all pissed at Lance and worked pretty well with the others. Shiro called the day a vast improvement over their previous training sessions. If anything, Lance even forgot that the green gremlin was currently planning on murdering him.

The next day, however, started with a massive freakout by none other than a certain Cuban Paladin. Everyone was familiar with his very strict morning grooming regimen that maintained his position as “the most handsome Paladin in the galaxy”. This day would have been no different, if not for the fact that Lance couldn’t find his skin care lotions or his shower products.

He checked his backpack, his top shelf, under the bed, on/in the bedside shelf, but nothing. Lance was panicking and could even feel wrinkles and crow’s feet starting to appear on his face. After a couple of minutes of searching, he started thinking on the most obvious reason for his missing items: this must be Pidge’s retribution! _No, she wouldn’t_ , Lance thought. _This is low even for her! Oh who am I kidding, nothing is lower than her!_

The other Paladins were in the dining room treating themselves with some breakfast and, in Pidge’s case, clean coffee. When the blue Paladin came in to join them, they exchanged a puzzled look and laid eyes on him.

“Oh, look who’s early for once,” sneered Keith.

“Don’t antagonize him,” warned Shiro, wanting to avoid a fight so early.

“Yeah, yeah, laugh it up, Keith,” dismissed Lance as he pulled up a chair and sat. “I’m only early because I lost my morning products.”

Hunk almost dropped his spoonful of goo. “You lost your beauty products?!”

Lance was annoyed. “Okay, first of all: they’re not _beauty_ products, they’re _skin care_ products. And second: yes, I lost them. It seems some _mice_ wanted to mess with me and stole them.”

Pidge suppressed a chuckle, yet it was enough to get Lance’s attention. In any other circumstance he would smile at her chuckles. The sound of Katie’s laughter would always warm his heart and make him blush. However, today it filled him with dread and chilled him to the bone, as he had no idea what evil thoughts were running through her mind.

“No, Lance,” said Pidge. “Don’t you remember? They’re in my room.”

“Huh?” was the entire team’s response.

“Why would his stuff be in your room?” asked a confused Keith. He knew that the two Paladins were dating, but Lance wouldn’t just move his stuff into another room when they slept so close to each other.

“He brought them over two days ago since we’ve been hanging out in my room and slee--”

“Okay, hold it right there,” interrupted Shiro with a cough. He both appreciated and approved of his teammates bonding in their spare time, but hearing such things coming from Pidge, who was like a daughter to him, was a little too much. He gave Lance a stern look. “Lance, since you’re early, eat something and then meet us in the training room. Hunk, you can stay with him until he finishes and then go see Coran. See you later.”

Keith and Pidge stood up and followed Shiro, with the green Paladin quickly telling Lance that she would take care of his products as soon as she finished. Not long after, Hunk went and dispensed a serving of goo for Lance and went to pour him a mug of coffee, which Lance cautiously refused.

“So… you’ve been staying in Pidge’s room, eh?” Hunk teased as he sat down across from his best friend.

“Dude, don’t start with this,” warned Lance. “I may or may not have slept in her room, but I can assure you nothing like _that_ happened. And also, I am _positive_ that I didn’t leave my skin care products in her room. I just hope that whatever she did, it wasn’t switching them up. That’s the most evil thing I can imagine.”

Lance spooned up a bit of goo and put it into his mouth. What followed then was the most foul taste he had ever experienced in his life, even worse than Arusian beverages. However, he could kind of make out the weird taste from the goo. It was a familiar, if rare taste. A taste that could only be experienced if you kept your mouth open while washing your face, or rather, washing something off it. He realized that his goo tasted like his skin care products.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I fear that Pidge may be a little too OOC. Hope you enjoy!


	3. Declaration of war

If you were to ask Lance why he did most of the stuff he does, he normally answered with “because it’s funny.” Lance liked to think of himself as an assured individual. He would often make some decisions that could be considered reckless or downright idiotic. Despite several warnings (and threats), he would carry on with his actions (such as pranking people) because he thought that whatever happened, it was worth it. Maybe it was his confidence, or the overabundance of it, what caused him to always come out on top.

Those thoughts were immediately shattered when his “totally justified” prank on Pidge resulted in him eating a spoonful of goo laced with his skin care products.

After spitting out his food and nearly vomiting his guts out, he pointed an accusatory glare and finger at a very worried Hunk. The yellow Paladin was bracing himself for a world of hurt.

“What the hell, man?” shouted Lance. “Why’d you try to poison me?!”

Hunk was perplexed. “What are you talking about?”

“This goo tastes just like my facial mask! Somebody dumped it into my food! Did you know about this? Did Pidge put you up to this?!”

“Well it wasn’t me! Obviously I wouldn’t do this kind of thing to you. You’re my best friend, for crying out loud!” Hunk was about to cry. He was never one to play pranks, often preferring to avoid all sorts of conflict or solving them with food. Lance knew it, so it was kind of heartbreaking that _he_ of all people would accuse the big guy of being roped into whatever shenanigans the blue and green Paladins were involved.

Lance stood up and walked straight to the goo dispenser. He picked up a clean plate, served a new portion of goo and handed it to his best friend.

“Taste it,” he ordered.

Hunk picked at the food with a finger and tasted it. Immediately, the yellow Paladin was hit with the same foul taste that Lance experienced. He pushed out the plate and reached for some towels to wipe his tongue. “Oh God, it tastes like seaweed mixed with soap!” he said in agony as Lance inspected the dispenser.

“Yo Hunk, who was the last person to eat here before me?” the Cuban said as he fiddled with a panel.

Hunk started counting everyone who ate. First it was either Shiro or Keith, then the other, then Hunk, Coran, Hunk again, Allura, Hunk a third time, and _then_ Pidge. After finishing, Hunk was startled by the sound of metal hitting the floor. Lance had opened up the panel and was checking the programming.

“Just as I thought,” Lance started. “She reprogrammed the dispenser! Must’ve done it while you were eating.”

“How do you know that she tampered with it? It’s all code in there.”

“Dude, since we started dating, she’s been teaching me how to code. Pretty interesting, when you get into it.”

She also left a message within the program. Right there, in green letters, was the message: _Hey Lance, how was breakfast? Feel free to_ kelp _yourself to some more ;)_

* * *

Lance slowly headed to the training room, where the others were probably already finishing. Hunk had to go to Coran for… something, so the blue Paladin had no one to talk to about his horrible event. Who would have thought that Pidge would go further with a prank than even him!

As soon as he entered the training room, Lance was immediately greeted with a hug from Pidge. _Oh, she is just rubbing it in my face at this point_ , thought Lance. Pidge was _never_ openly affectionate to him (or anyone for that matter), always reserving her affections for when they were in private. It was probably for the best, since it made the rest of the team uncomfortable. It was particularly bad with Shiro, who always gave Lance an evil look to remind him not to hurt Pidge. Seeing the green Paladin hugging him so openly after what she assumed was a successful prank made the blue Paladin nervous.

“Hey, Lance! How was breakfast?” she said as she pulled away with a grin.

“Oh, great! It was definitely a normal breakfast, Katie! Could’ve used a little bit of salt, though,” he replied with a face that said: _you’re gonna pay for this, you little shit!_

“Hey, lovebirds!” called out an annoyed Keith. “Get back here and train!”

Pidge was about to pull away when Lance pulled her back to him. He craned his head close to her neck, making her blush a little. He moved his face close to her ear and whispered, “you are not getting away with this. This time it’s personal!”

“Looking forward to it,” Katie whispered back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will now try to make the next chapters longer.


	4. See what I did there?

Lance was beat. This was the most intense training session he had in weeks. It seemed that Shiro wanted to “raise the stakes” a little (and apparently ridicule the Cuban as well) and had Allura increase the battle bot’s difficulty settings. After having progressed so well since forming Voltron the second time, they had no problem communicating with each other. Lance was able to provide cover for both Keith and Shiro when they were overwhelmed by the bot’s melee attacks and he, in turn, was supported by Pidge’s grappling hook when it targeted him. All in all, fighting a single robot went well.

The problem started when Shiro decided to screw with everyone in the training room by adding a couple more bots, “forgetting” that they were all in the same difficulty setting as the original one. What followed was a beating that made even Allura look away from her vantage point in the control room. Fortunately, the crew managed to survive the chaos with relatively little damage. When they all came out of the training room, they went their separate ways. Shiro headed over to Allura to evaluate their progress (or lack thereof), Keith didn’t say where he was going, probably to his room to brood and be all emo, and Pidge went to take a long shower to relax and break her routine of isolating herself with her laptop.

Lance was walking through the hallway to his room when he felt his stomach rumble. _Oh yeah_ , he remembered. He didn’t have any breakfast since Pidge soiled his food and half-wasted his facial mask. The blue Paladin turned around and headed to the kitchen, maybe Hunk finished whatever he was doing with Coran and could make him something.

When he walked through the kitchen doors, Lance was greeted by an angry Coran and a (unsurprisingly) panicking Hunk.

“Just what the quiznak were you thinking, Lance?!” scolded Coran. “Here I was, having just finished calibrating the navigational stabilizer with Hunk here when I decided to treat myself to some goo, and when I do I start tasting something that’s actually worse than an Arusian drink! I go check the inside and I find your name in there. The goo dispenser is not to be tampered with in any way!”

“Woah, just take it easy, man!” responded Lance, already annoyed. “I swear it wasn’t me. It was Pidge, she reprogrammed it to mess with me.”

“Oh. Well in that case, tell your significant other not to go messing around with our equipment!” said Coran as he headed out the room. “And in lieu of her, _you_ are responsible of cleaning out whatever filth is inside the dispenser!”

Lance sighed. This was probably a second part of Pidge’s revenge prank. He would remember this. The Cuban approached Hunk, who was already calming down from his millionth panic attack. After spending the next couple of minutes calming him down, Lance managed to convince Hunk to cook up a meal out of whatever was available. Thankfully, they managed to take a break from their adventures a couple of weeks ago to get some supplies from a space mall and, after a longer trip to an Earth-themed store, managed to get some genuine Earth food and ingredients (including Pidge’s treasured coffee).

Hunk started prepping up some ingredients as the blue Paladin sat down. Lance fiddled with his bayard, his mind swimming with ideas on how to get back at his girlfriend. He could steal her headphones and hide them on a tall cabinet. _Nah, too obvious_. He could switch her laptop’s password to an embarrassing secret. _Nah, too stupid_. He could hide her brother’s picture inside an airlock and pretend to accidentally open it. _Hell no! Too cruel_. He was stumped. No matter what he tried coming up with, nothing was good or tasteful enough. If only he had eaten breakfast, his thoughts would be more clear.

_Clear…_

_Wait... I got it!_

“Okay, Lance, food will be ready in about five minutes,” Hunk alerted him.

“Yeah, cool,” Lance replied. “Listen, I have a few questions, Hunk. Do you remember the ‘cookies’ you made back when we were being chased by Zarkon?”

“Yes? I remember Pidge hated them because they were hard and tasteless and Coran used them to teleport us.”

“Yeah, yeah. Do you still remember how to make them?”

“Yeah? Why?” asked a wary Hunk. He had a bad feeling about this.

“Well, I’ll need you to make a quick batch for me. I’ll only need a couple of them, and I want them to be smaller. Also, I want you to add a new ingredient. Will you do it?”

“Okay, but _why_ do you need them?” he was starting to feel his millionth-and-first panic attack.

“ _Revenge_ ,” Lance smirked.

* * *

Katie never felt more relaxed. After a very strenuous training session, she decided to change things up a little and take a shower. Normally, she would go to her room and procrastinate on her laptop until it was nearly lunch time and quickly shower before then. Ever since she started dating Lance she’d been taking better care of herself and started opening up more. Her hair was even starting to grow back to how it looked pre-Garrison. She once read that some people may adopt some of their significant other’s traits and mannerisms, so maybe that’s why.

Her shower was unusually long. Normally, she would take about ten minutes. Today, it was about thirty minutes. She needed a longer shower to make up for the more intense training session and the warm water felt _so_ nice against her aching back and her scratched face. Sure, she and the team were free to use the pods to heal any injury in seconds, but she figured that these injuries were too small to even bother with.

After a nearly tearful goodbye to her temporary peace, Pidge quickly dried herself off before putting on a towel and walking out the shower. She walked to the clothing stand to pick up clean underwear, a tank top, a pair of shorts and her glasses. The green Paladin glanced at a mirror across from the stand and saw it was foggy, before picking up her glasses and noticing that they were also foggy. She chuckled and put them on as she changed.

Pidge came out of the bathroom and walked over to her room, letting the cold air slowly clear her glasses. As she reached her room she started noticing something strange: her glasses were not clearing up. She entered her room and wiped them with her tank top, nothing. She breathed onto them to “refog” them, nothing. She took out a screen cleaning spray from her backpack and sprayed her glasses, still nothing.

 _This is weir-- wait a minute_ , she thought. _Lance!_

Katie took out her glasses, clamped them onto her shirt and rushed to Lance’s room to confront him, squinting all the way. Before infiltrating the Garrison, she would always use contact lenses instead of glasses, but she had to leave them behind in order to keep her disguise as Pidge Gunderson. She banged on the door three times. Nothing. “ _You are so dead_ ”, she grunted. Pidge turned around and headed for the kitchen; if she couldn’t find Lance, then Hunk would tell her where he was.

She stormed to the kitchen and found Hunk cowering in fear behind a baking tray.

“Where is he and what did he do?!” she commanded.

“P-please don’t hurt me!” Hunk begged. “I just did what he told me to!”

“Which was?”

“Bake ‘cookies’. I didn’t know what he was gonna do with them, I swear!”

Pidge was gritting her teeth. “Where. Is. He?”

Hunk pointed at the kitchen counter. She figured that the yellow Paladin wouldn’t be much help anymore and that he wouldn’t betray his best friend. She paced to the counter, where a note laid. The green Paladin picked up the note and read the message her boyfriend left her.

_My dearest Pidgeon:  
I _ see _that you’ve figured out my prank. I thought I was_ clear _when I said this was war. Right now your glasses are waiting for you in your room. Your move ;)_

__

__

_Love, Lance_


	5. A crappy situation

Katie was fuming by the time she returned to her room. Her idiot boyfriend managed to get her at her weakest: while she was showering! Was nothing sacred anymore?! And not only that, but he had the gall to taunt her with a note and a pun! Sure, she did the same thing, but at least her pun was more creative!

She found her glasses on her bed and put them on. After a thorough search of her room, she found neither note nor an extra prank. She gave a sigh of relief. Great, at least he didn’t go the extra mile, like she did with the goo dispenser. It wasn’t much of a prank than it was a slight inconvenience. However, she acknowledged that Lance had a slight advantage over her. Something, or rather some _one_ , that’s been assisting him all this time: Hunk.

The yellow Paladin was with Lance when the latter messed with her coffee, and he obviously baked the dull crystals. Pidge knew that Hunk would probably help Lance in his future pranks, whether he liked it or not. She could try to even out the playing field, but how? It’s not like she can persuade him into ceasing his help, or have him betray his best friend to help her. No, he would most likely tell Lance and then the Cuban would double down and preemptively strike back.

 _I need someone else_ , she thought. _Someone who can help me get back at Lance, no questions asked_.

But who? It’s not like she could ask Shiro; he would either try to talk both of them out of it, like a good leader/father-figure, or he would get even more aggressive with Lance for messing with her. She couldn’t ask Allura, as she didn’t seem the type of person to play a prank. More so, did Alteans know what pranks were? If so, then Coran would be the better choice, but then again, he could have a different idea on what a prank was. Pidge had to face it: there was absolutely no one who could hel--

 _Keith!_ She exclaimed internally. _Keith could totally help me with this! I mean, he already dislikes Lance, so he’d have no problem making his life Hell_.

Pidge ran as fast as she could to Keith’s room. As soon as the red Paladin’s door was visible, she halted and slouched over to catch her breath, before composing herself and endlessly knocking on the door. After about thirty seconds of non-stop knocking, the aptly named “emo” Paladin opened the door with his perpetual pissed off look. Keith’s face quickly changed his face to one of confusion when he realized who was there.

“Pidge?” he asked. “Is everything alright? Did you get lost on your way to Lance’s room?”

“No, Keith,” Katie responded, already regretting this decision. It was kind of weird for her to visit Keith, since they never really talk to each other much, besides training or when fighting. “Listen, remember Lance?”

“Hmm, tall, tan, cocky, annoying as Hell, currently dating you?”

“Yes.”

“Nope, never heard of him.”

“Alright, smartass,” she chuckled. “Well, he and I are in a war of sorts, and I need your help to get back at him.”

Keith raised an eyebrow. A war? What could she mean by this? As far as he knew, some couples did fight, but they seemed too comfortable with each other this morning to warrant a fight. Then again, with these two, nothing can really be expected.

“What do you need help with?”

“Well, really, I’m doing the work. I just need you to distract Lance long enough while I set up my prank.”

“Huh? A prank?” Keith was dumbfounded now. “That’s what this is all about?”

This day just kept getting weirder for him. First, he had to tolerate these two love-birds overly flirting with each other during training, then Pidge comes to see _him_ of all people, and _then_ it turns out that it’s to help her with a prank?!

Then again, if it’s just to annoy Lance, then that’s fine by him.

“Fine,” he relented. “What do you have planned?”

“Oh, you’ll see. You’ll see.”

* * *

Lance came out of the shower feeling completely refreshed. If he was lucky, Pidge would be too busy dealing with his prank to set up another one, so he had nothing to worry about while giving himself a proper cleaning. He changed quickly and headed to his room, closing the door behind him and jumping onto his bed. He thought about the possibility of maybe going too far with his prank. 

_I mean, Pidge did sabotage my food, but at least she didn’t ruin all my products. Ah, who am I kidding? All's fair in love and war._

The blue Paladin laid his head on his pillow and reached for a pair of green headphones on the night desk to his left. They belonged to Pidge, but when they started dating she let him borrow them every other day. Sometimes they would sit alone in either of their rooms and just listen to each other’s music for hours while talking or just lying side by side on the bed, enjoying their company. It almost made Lance feel sorry for bothering her so much in the past and even now, with their little prank war.

Lance was about to put the headphones on when he heard a bang on his door. _Ah, shit, who could it be_ , he thought. _Unless we’re being under attack, I’m not going anywhere_. He stood up and opened the door to find Keith on the other side.

“Keith?! What the hell do you want, Mullet?” he asked, already getting pissed.

“Hello, Lance. How are you doing today… _bro_?” responded Keith, with an obviously fake smile.

Lance was already suspicious. “You didn’t answer my question, Mullet.”

Keith’s smile was already cracking. “Well, I was just wondering if you’d like to try the invisible maze, just to try to build more trust with my… _buddy_.”

Lance was having none of it. “Yeah right. ‘Just to build more trust’, give me a break, Keith,” he pointed a finger to the red Paladin’s chest. “What are you _really_ after, Mullet? Don’t tell me you’re still hung up over our supposed ‘bonding moment’, are you?”

Keith balled his right hand into a fist and dropped his fake smile. He then immediately gave a genuine smirk, one that seemed almost evil. _Must’ve struck a chord, eh_ , thought Lance.

“Oh, nothing, Lance,” he finally responded. “I just wanted to check if I’m still the only one who cares enough about the team to build more trust and be more effective in battle. But, if you’re _that_ scared by the maze and the fact that I’m better than you at it, then I guess I can--”

“SCARED?!” the blue Paladin shouted. “Who’s saying I’m scared? And, by the way, I bet I can totally clear that maze faster than you!”

“Wanna prove it, then?”

“Let’s!”

Lance rushed out the door straight to the training room.

“Hey, genius! You’re forgetting your armor!”

Lance rushed back into his room and started putting on his armor. Keith turned around to leave, but said one last thing. “Hey, Pidge told me to ask you a question.”

“Huh? Pidge? What was it?”

“Yeah, she asks if you’ve been feeding Kaltenecker.”

Oh, yeah, Kaltenecker. After buying the video game console in the space mall, they had received a cow along with the purchase. Even though the console was a bust, the team at least appreciated the cow as a reminder of their simpler lives back on Earth. Pidge and Lance, being basically the owners, took care of feeding and cleaning after it. Funny, most couples get a dog.

“Oh, yeah. Tell her I did, right after training.”

“Great,” Keith smirked once again. “See ya at the maze.”

Lance shook away a weird feeling. Why would Pidge have Keith ask him something? Normally she would ask these sort of things herself. It didn’t matter, all that mattered was kicking Mullet’s ass at training.

He put on his armor as fast as he could, securing his bayard to his waist. All that was left was his helmet. As soon as he put it on, he was greeted by a weird sensation on his hair. A soft, squishy, messy sensation. At the same time, he got a weird smell. A foul smell. A smell that reminded him of… a _barn_.

“MOTHERFU--”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for taking too long with this chapter.


	6. The calm before the storm

"-CKER!"

Lance let out a scream that reverberated through the entire Castleship. He took off his helmet and looked inside, only to find it full of the unspeakable material. How?! How did Pidge manage to do this without him finding out?! He was RIGHT THERE!

The Cuban paced around his room, looking for a possible opening where a little green Gremlin might've infiltrated. The smell was slowly killing him inside. Aha! An open air vent on his ceiling, just big enough for his girlfriend to pop in without him noticing. That was one question answered. The real problem was _how_ she put the crap in and hid the smell. _No matter!_ he thought. _What really matters is to get this smell off of me_.

The blue Paladin rushed to the bathroom, forgoing his usual skin care products. He needed a quick, yet thorough shower ASAP. As soon as he turned on the shower, he went deep in thought as he washed himself. Okay, so Pidge got the upper hand on him at his most vulnerable: his own bedroom. Sure, he wasn't innocent of doing something like that; he _did_ prank her while she was showering. However, both of his pranks were more "harmless" when compared to Pidge's. All he did was put salt in her coffee and replace her glasses with fogged up crystals. Katie straight up tried poisoning him and then she soiled him! Lance realized that he has been going too easy on her. This time, he's going all out! This will be his coup-de-grâce, his finale!

There was another problem, however: Pidge was not alone anymore. Somehow she managed to recruit Keith (of all people!) into her side. Keith will begrudgingly be spared, as he really didn't even try to help her. But this also meant that he needed Hunk's help once more. Not only did the yellow Paladin have to help him set up his prank, he would also have to help as Keith's distraction, so the emo boy wouldn't interfere with his plans. Yeah.

Lance got out of the shower with an evil smirk on his face. After leaving the bathroom he headed towards Hunk's room, and knocked on his door.

"Lance?" Hunk asked as he opened the door, already dreading what was gonna happen. "What happened this time?"

"Pidge has gone too far this time," replied a chuckling Cuban. "It's time to finish this once and for all!"

"Oh, God, are you sure about this? 'Cuz I don't know how much I can take for today."

"Oh, no. I'm preparing something big here. It will probably take a couple of days. I just need you to help me when it's ready. Deal?"

Hunk was not ready for anything now. This was very unlike Lance. He was afraid, but at this point, he really wanted to end it all and see the results.

"Fine."

* * *

Pidge giggled her way through the air vents and into the commons room, where a smug Keith waited. Judging from the lines on his face, he was probably laughing for a while before she arrived.

"Enjoying yourself, Mullet?" she quipped.

"Maybe a little bit," he chuckled. "How did he not notice the smell?"

"Let's just say that I know my way around strong force fields, don't worry about it. However, we're not done yet."

Keith raised an eyebrow. Not done yet? There's more?

"Yes, there's more," Katie said, as if reading his mind.

The green Paladin proceeded to explain every single thing that happened since yesterday. She mentioned _everything_ , from the coffee to the glasses incident, as a way to ensure that Keith would be on her side through the end.

Katie wanted to escalate her prank, to something that would assure her status as the victor of her war. She needed something bigger, something that would challenge her pranking and hacking skills in order to give Lance the pranking of a lifetime! Such achievement would take a couple of days at the least.

Which is where Keith comes in. He was to distract Lance, or rather, Hunk, from discovering her plans and to keep a close eye on her so as to not get a taste of her boyfriend's retribution. These next couple of days were to be spent in deep concentration, for this would be the prank to end all pranks! She will teach Lance that he should never mess with Pidge Gunderson, aka Katie Holt, or her delicious caffeinated drinks! She will be VICTORIOUS!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to make this chapter longer, but as I was writing I decided to make it shorter as I thought of the final pranks and to prolong the end. I will probably end this in two more chapters. Thanks to everyone who read and reviewed!


	7. The storm

Today was the day. The day Pidge finished setting up her prank.

Pidge readjusted her glasses as she smirked at her newest creation. This would be the greatest prank in the history of pranks. Really, it was a shame that no one back on Earth would witness this moment. _Pidge, you magnificent bastard_ , she thought to herself. _I could kiss you if you weren’t literally me_.

Some props had to be given to Keith. He played his part beautifully: kept the other two combatants out of the dining room during her work and kept her updated on anything he found suspicious. The emo Paladin was alright in her book.

“Okay, Pidge,” Keith started as he entered the dining room. “I patrolled the perimeter and saw no trace of Lance nor Hunk. Is everything finished?”

“Thank you, Mullet,” Pidge responded. “I just finished some minor calibrations, so it should run smoothly. Now I was gonna test it. Wanna see?”

The red Paladin nodded. She signaled for him to come out of the room and reenter. As he did so, he heard the sound of machinery start. Out of the walls came several hose-like machines and shot our air, indicating they weren’t loaded. Out of certain floor tiles came out complex machines that made a spring-activated sound. Keith was impressed about the amount of detail the green Paladin put into this prank. There was one issue, though…

“Did you activate the thing yourself, or were there sensors? Are you going to put sensors on the door?”

“I did it myself,” she replied. “I don’t wanna leave any room for error and I wanna see the look on Lance’s face when he’s properly pranked.”

“Well, what if the wrong person entered and you activated it? It wouldn’t look pretty…”

Pidge facepalmed. _Crap, he’s right. I can totally set up sensors and a face recognition system to target him specifically!_

“Give me a couple more hours!”

Keith nodded again and left the room. Something told him that whatever was going to happen tomorrow, he wanted no more part of it. He vowed to figuratively wash his hands off those sins.

* * *

Lance was lying on his bed, grinning. _Pidge thinks she’s so smart, eh_ , he thought. _Well, she is, but not when it comes to pranks._

Obviously it was suspicious that she spent the entire day locked in the _dining room_ of all places and especially weird that she had Keith keeping him and everyone else in the ship away from it. Whatever she was working on, she was being careful that nobody found out, either so they wouldn’t stop her, or so that they didn’t accidentally set it off.

It was almost too easy: he didn’t have to do much for the prank. He could just let her do all the work and trick her into falling for it herself! There was nothing he could do to top whatever it was that she took two whole days to create, so what more ironic way for him to get her than by her own device? Still, he had to contribute something or else it wouldn’t be as fun.

Hunk had nothing to do, unfortunately; or rather, fortunately for him. At least his best friend managed to keep an eye for as long as he could. Maybe he could be the perfect lure for Pidge. Yeah, Lance could sneak into the dining room as early as possible, before his girlfriend, and wait as Hunk lead her right into her own trap. _It’s perfect!_ he exclaimed to himself. _Oh, Lancey Lance, I could kiss you if you were in front of me._

Whatever Hunk was doing in engineering, it would have to wait. They had to discuss his plan before it was too late.

* * *

It was the next day at the ship. Approximately 6:30am, according to Pidge’s phone clock. Lance had to wake up extra early today for this, skin care routine be damned. Since he couldn’t trust the dining room entrance yet, he took a page from Pidge’s book and managed to get there through the air vents, making sure to close them perfectly just in case she got a jump on him.

Poor Hunk also had to wake up early, but didn’t accompany the blue Paladin. Instead, he prepared himself to bait Pidge into running to the room. They had agreed that whatever he was going to tell her had to be believable, so the yellow Paladin was going to pretend that Lance had already gotten caught by her prank.

Since it was still at least fifteen minutes before the rest of the team woke up, he decided to set up his part of the prank. He took out a bag of instant coffee (the kind Pidge hated the most) and mixed it with a bucket full of water. After making the concoction, he pulled out another bucket and filled it with feathers, the items that hurt him the most, since he had to murder a poor, innocent pillow for them.

Before setting both buckets, he noticed something strange on the door. Right on both sides of it were two bright orange, flickering devices. Upon closer inspection, he concluded that they were sensors of some sort. “ _Sneaky, Pidge_ ,” he muttered. “ _Setting up these sensors to attack me while you slept. You probably set up a face recognition rig in them to not make mistakes_.”

Thankfully, Pidge had modified her phone to have a way to hack things when her laptop wasn’t available. He knew what to do now. Katie never taught him how to reprogram sensors (“Such commands are very complex for a beginner such as yourself,” she once told him, as if making fun of him), but she _did_ teach him enough to disable certain actions. Which is why it was relatively easy for him to bypass the only security measure for her prank.

With that out of the way, all Lance had to do was set up the buckets. That was also easy, since it was just a matter of propping them up on top of the door’s frame and setting up a tripwire system that made the contents pour instead of dropping the actual buckets. _I’m mad at you, Pidge, but I also don’t want to hurt you, cuz you my baby and I love you._

Soon after he gave his last touch, he retreated into the same hiding spot he used during his first prank. _And now we play the waiting game._

* * *

“Alright,” Hunk told himself out loud, outside of the dining room. “I think it’s about time to get this over with. Okay, Hunk, you can do this.”

He couldn’t do this. In fact, he was shaking. There was nothing worse that tricking Pidge with anything, and here he was about to do just that.

“Oh, man. Lance’s gonna owe me so many Cuban sandwiches after we’re done with this.”

The yellow Paladin gave a quick prayer to whoever was listening and sprinted to the green Paladin’s room. Hopefully, his breathlessness would make him more convincing. After running through a couple of corridors he finally made it to her room.

“Pidge, Pidge,” he yelled as he banged on her door. “You gotta come out! Lance is in trouble! Please answer, it’s an emergency!”

The door opened itself, revealing an empty room. _Oh, crap_.

“What’s wrong, Hunk?” a startled voice responded as several footsteps came running toward him. It was Shiro, followed by Keith, Coran and the Princess.

“N-nothing, Shiro,” he panicked. “Nothing at all! J-just let me go to the dining room, but don’t follow!”

Hunk ran as fast as he could to the room. Whatever was going to happen next was not pretty. If Pidge wasn’t in her room, then that could only mean one thing: she got the jump on him! She probably had something else planned out in case her original plan failed. The door came closer and closer until he was finally in front of it. He took a couple of seconds to catch his breath. _Lance is so owing me a lot of sandwiches_.

“Is Lance in here?” Shiro’s voice announced. He was right in front of the door, with the rest of the team in tow. There was a loud crash and a thud from inside. “Is everything okay, Lance?!” he questioned as he walked through the door.

* * *

Pidge giggled as she made her way through the vents. _Hell yeah, today is the day!_

She had woken up a bit later than she wanted, but judging by the complete silence in the ship, nothing must have happened yet. Good. It would have been disappointing if everything had gone down and she wasn’t there.

The dining room vent got closer and she slowed her pace. As soon as she reached it she opened up her laptop, where she was monitoring the room through a hidden camera in a corner. _I have the best seat in the house_ , she joked to herself.

A couple of minutes passed in relative silence and she turned her head to let out a small yawn. A small price to pay for always sleeping late. She thought it didn’t matter, since she could make herself a celebratory cup of coffee after this was all over. A major problem appeared, however. After finishing her yawn she heard a sudden sound coming from the room. It sounded natural, human, in fact. It sounded like a sneeze. As in, someone was already in the dining room and sneezed.

Pidge looked at her monitor again and moved the camera lens from it. Right there, hiding in a corner, was none other than her boyfriend, rubbing his nose with his right hand.

“ _How?!_ ” she accidentally yelled at herself, revealing her location. Suddenly, the vent gave out and collapsed, dropping her on the floor right in front of Lance. Whatever silence there was in the dining room was over. The element of surprise was ruined.

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!” they both screamed in unison.

“Is everything okay, Lance?!” they heard Shiro yell as the door opened and he entered.

If there was anything that the Paladins could agree with, it’s that you shouldn’t piss off your leader. The only time they’ve seen him really angry was when he snapped at Slav. This was one of the few cases where they did piss him off, and it would haunt them for the rest of their days. As soon as he gave one step into the room, Shiro was shot with green goo released from several hose-like machines and bombarded with random assorted dishes from little spring operated catapults. After the food massacre had ended, a bucket full of a cold, aromatic, brown substance poured over him. Shiro was also then showered by small, white feathers.

To say that the black Paladin was fuming with murderous rage would have been an understatement.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just one more chapter! Thanks to everyone who read this story!! I really appreciate it. Feel free to check out another Voltron story I wrote titled The Photograph (a Holt family story).


	8. Chapter 8

“Okay, what the _hell_ were you two thinking?!”

The couple in front of Shiro froze in fear at those words. He was about ready to blow up, which terrified them because the last time they saw him explode like that was towards Slav and his incoherent ramblings. Long story short: after being dumped with a waste of food and furniture in what seemed like a sick attempt at a joke, Shiro ordered the blue and green Paladins to meet with him alone in a meeting room. Whatever mess was left in the dining room would be taken care of by the two after their scolding. The rest of the team was sternly advised to stay away from the trio.

Pidge gulped. “He started it!” she yelled, pointing at Lance.

“Oh, _real mature_ , Pidge!”

The two started loudly arguing with each other and the room was filled with unintelligible babble. Shiro pinched the bridge of his nose. _It’s too early for this_.

“Alright, stop it, both of you!” he commanded. The two Paladins shut up.

“Katie, you go first.”

Pidge snuck a smug smirk at Lance and started her side of her story. More specifically, she focused more on her boyfriend messing with her coffee while downplaying what she did to him. Clearly Shiro would side with her, since he already thinks so much of her. It was working, too, since the eldest Paladin was glaring daggers at the Cuban.

“So, of course, I had to prank him before he could get the upper hand again. Which led to hacking the goo dispenser system and setting up a face recognition sensor. It was out of my hands that he knew how to deactivate it.”

“You are so full of shit, Pidge,” Lance interrupted. “She is leaving out what she did to me! When she hacked the goo the first time? She mixed it with my skincare products! And don’t get me started on what she did to me in my ro--”

“I get it, Lance,” Shiro interjected. “Fine, let’s hear your side of the story.”

Lance took a deep breath and began his story. Of course, he admitted to being the one who started it, but he also highlighted everything his girlfriend did to him in a much darker light than how she portrayed herself. He especially mentioned how she went around sneaking through the vents to his room and left a lump of Kaltenecker’s… stuff in his helmet. At that mention, Shiro couldn’t help but chuckle a little, much to his dismay.

“And so, I decided to finish this as fast as possible. Which is why I decided to sneak into the kitchen before her and set up her prank so it would backfire on her. I really didn’t think this would happen to you, Shiro.”

Shiro wiped his hands on his face, getting out whatever goo was left. He then sat up and stretched a little before sitting back down and glaring at the couple again. So, as he understood, Lance played a mean trick on Katie, and she decided that the best response wasn’t to talk to him about it. Instead, she thought that the best course of action was to prank him back and then have him declare a war on who could prank each other worse. Such a thought was too over the top for any sane person. Then again, based on how well he knew them, Pidge and Lance were the type of people to do this kind of stuff. _These two deserve each other_ , Shiro thought.

“Alright,” he began. “Clearly, you two are insane. Sure, there was no need for you to start things with her, Lance, especially when you know that she’s protective of her coffee. But Katie, don’t think you’re the only victim here. From what both of you told me, it’s clear that Lance didn’t intend to make things worse than they got, and he kept his pranks fairly innocent. You, on the other hand, deliberately tampered with the Castle just to get back at Lance. My opinion: both of you are at fault here and you will clean the mess this instant. Hunk and Keith will not help you, seeing as they were just dragged into it. Got it?”

“Yes,” they replied in unison.

“And the pranks end right now,” Shiro ordered. “I don’t want any more of your shenanigans as long as we’re still fighting Zarkon.”

They nodded.

Just before leaving, the black Paladin called Lance to follow him outside the room. As soon as the blue Paladin emerged, his superior grabbed his shoulder and moved him to a wall.

“Just so you know,” he threatened, full overprotective-dad mode activated. “I’m letting you off easy because Katie kept playing along. If you ever do anything to her like that again, I’m willing to take my chances with one less Paladin. Understood?”

Lance gulped. “Y-yes sir.”

Shiro nodded and let go, walking away. The Cuban shivered as he straightened his jacket.

* * *

Lance and Pidge kneeled in the dining room, fervently wiping the floor. The trip back from their talk with Shiro was uncomfortably quiet, and the cleaning process even worse. Regret started eating away at Lance, who was going crazy from his girlfriend’s silent treatment.

They finished cleaning the floor and he moved on to cleaning the walls as she unplugged the door sensors and reprogrammed everything to its default state. It had been twenty minutes now and they hadn’t spoken a word to each other. Pidge had her back to Lance as she worked on her laptop.

_I need to do something fast_ , the Cuban thought. _I don’t want her to hate me now…_

“Katie, I’m sorry,” he began. “I never should have pranked you that one time, or any of the times I did. I didn’t think it would turn out like this, especially getting Shiro involved. You probably hate me right now and if you want to break up, then it’s completely understandable.”

A few agonizing seconds later, the blue Paladin saw Pidge’s shoulders trembling and her head lowering. _Way to go, Lance, you made her cry_.

The sound that escaped from the small figure in front of him startled and confused him. Giggles–scratch that, laughter. Pidge threw her head back in mirth and turned around her chair to face him.

“I’m not mad at you, Lance!” she answered. “If anything, this is the most fun I’ve had in weeks!”

“You're not mad? At all?”

“Well, I _did_ get pissed at you for tainting my coffee and then proceeding to waste more of it on Shiro, and I am mad that Shiro’s disappointed in me now. But this was still fun! If we weren’t told to stop, I would’ve probably kept going; not that you’d be able to keep up,” she added the last part to tease him.

“Oh, thank God, I thought you’d want to brea- wait, what do you mean I wouldn’t keep up?” he snapped.

Katie got off the chair and walked up to him. “Don’t worry about it,” she answered as she reached up to embrace his neck. “Trust me, I wouldn’t break up with you for anything; especially not for something as stupid as a bad prank.”

“Great,” Lance smiled as he hugged her back and pulled her into a kiss.

* * *

Hunk and Keith both walked the halls of the Castleship to the dining room, practically starving. Because of what happened in the morning, the team was unable to eat until the goo dispensers were clean and recalibrated. Luckily, the princess seemed to have her own stash of food and Shiro and Coran had enough force of will to skip breakfast. The yellow and red Paladins, however, couldn’t handle it. The ever-hungry Hunk couldn’t go on without at least breakfast and Keith was exhausted from training.

“Alright, those two idiots must be done by now,” Keith muttered as they reached the dining room door. “Maybe now we can finally eat.”

“Yeah, man,” Hunk responded. “I don’t think I can handle another minute without food.”

Whatever appetite had been built by the two Paladins was lost as soon as they opened the door. Inside, on the floor, were Pidge and Lance in the middle of what seemed to be an impromptu makeout session. The two males quickly looked away and closed the door. Keith was nearly gagging while Hunk seemed to recover the color he lost from starvation.

“Well there’s something I never wanted to see,” Keith grunted as he rubbed his eyes. “Can’t those two get a more private room?!”

“Tell me about it,” agreed Hunk. “I think I just lost my appetite.”

They walked away, wondering if maybe they were the ones who got the worse end of the punishment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, here it is. This is the end of the story. Sorry for taking so long. I hope you all enjoyed it and thanks to everyone who bookmarked, left kudos and commented on this story. Please feel free to check out my other Holt-centric Voltron fic and any future stories for this fandom. Thank you for reading!


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